It goes a little something like this.
Waking Up in the Morning
"Mmmmm....is it 6:30 already? Thank God for no nightmares last night." (Turn over) "There he is. He's still here. Why is he still in my bed? I wonder if he screwed her in this bed and he lied to me about it. Why wouldn't he have? He had no problem screwing her in HER husband's bed. (yawn) I can't wait for coffee. I wish I could train the cats to turn the coffee pot on in the morning. I guess I'll get up. The kids are still sleeping so maybe I'll have a few minutes of 'me' time. But he will be disappointed when he wakes up and I'm not in bed. Wait a sec, why do I care? Whatever. Coffee."
While Running
"Man, I'm slow. What should I make for dinner tonight? We can't go out; we went out last night. I think we have tofu. Stir fry should be OK. Do I have any wine, though? Maybe tonight I should try and not drink. Yeah, I'll try to have a night without booze. Good thinking. Geez, why am I so slow today? I feel heavy. I wonder if the whore is still running, like she started doing while fucking my husband. I'd kick her ass in a fitness contest. Man, that would be awesome. Her stupid skinny legs...I wish she could have seen me in that dress I wore to work yesterday. I looked smokin'. I wonder what she looks like now? What should I wear to work today? I have that new pencil skirt I haven't worn yet. What top would I wear? I'm thirsty. Should have brought water after all. Oh well, I will survive 45 minutes without water. I survived a year of eating practically nothing, after all. A year...wait, what month am I in now? I'm not even counting anymore! That's good, I guess. Ugh. I hate my husband. I hate him. I'm thirsty. Maybe I can hit up the drinking fountain at the trail head."
Driving
"Let's see, music or NPR? I should listen to the news; I'm so out of touch. I used to love the news. I'm so different now. Why did he do this to me? I miss the old me. Let's try music. Oh yes, Justin Timberlake. 'What goes around goes around goes around comes all the way back around....." Heck yeah! I hope she's dealing with major karma. Little bitch. Oh JT, you're so hot. I wonder if you will cheat? Stupid question. Of course you will. All men are inclined to, and you have supermodels clawing at your door. Oh man, the song is almost done. I should call my mom. Oh wait, I need to call Tracy, too. Oh, hello stupid Kia SUV! I hate you! Will I ever see a Kia and NOT think of the whore? I hate those cars. I can't believe she pulled out her kids' Wet Wipes out of the glove compartment to clean up his little mess. They both disgust me. He doesn't deserve me! He's such an ass hole. I hate him! Oh hey, the Sam Smith song! Turn it up! I'll call Mom on the way home."
Taking a Walk on My Lunch Hour
"Well that meeting was a waste of time! This project is taking forever. It's hot out. I love this heat, though. I'm so glad I live here. Haha - the whore moved away in her shame and I got to stay here. She is sweating her butt off in the deep south. I hope she hates it. I hope she misses this town every day and feels like crap about being the one that moved her family out of her hometown because she was a little homewrecker. Did I bring a lunch today? Just some carrots and hummus, but that's enough. Gazpacho sounds good, but I had it on Monday. Oh, look at that building! So pretty. I need to give my boss my vacation request when I get back. Where should we go on vacation? Back to San Diego? The kids love it there. He (husband) wanted to go camping, so maybe we should try something new like that. I don't even feel like being with him right now, though. I can't believe he had an affair. WTF. WTF! Oh my God, my husband fucked another woman for a YEAR and got CAUGHT. He didn't even have the decency to come completely clean when he was caught, so he had to get caught AGAIN. Why am I still married to him? I always said I'd leave him if he did this. Am I weak because I stayed? Or am I strong because I stayed? I can't believe my husband had an affair. Crap, it's hot. I wonder if I look stupid walking in these sneakers with my cute dress on. What were those vacation days again?"
You get the idea. This is how it goes, all day long. Thoughts of the affair pop in and out of my head all day, no matter what I'm doing. I can be with him having a great time, and my mind will still play out these little monologues. It's the new norm. It's embedded into my everyday life. There is NO erasing it.
I hate it. Sometimes I feel like this is all a bad dream because it just couldn't be real. I especially feel this way when I've been completely fine for a while and something reminds me that he had an affair. I feel like I don't even know who I am at those times. It all feels fake. I know it's suppose to eventually go-away-but-not-really-go-away, but to me that feels like we are living a fake life. Not that everyone has to know the drama of my marriage, but I feel like he has gotten away with the worst crime EVER. I feel like a fool.
And then I withdraw. It's too tiring to think about, so I just move on to something else. Eventually the thoughts will creep back in, but they will organically go away for a while, too.
And then I wake up tomorrow and it starts all over again.
Ditto. Just. Fucking. Ditto.
ReplyDeleteI love to run in the morning....then I think of punching him in his cheating face....then I think of them together...then I want to punch them both in the face...I love to run and they have ruined that for me! I hate my husband and the stupid OW!!
ReplyDeleteDon't you hate him for it? Running has been my one and only true hobby and love for the last 15 years. Now it is a trigger with every pound of the pavement. In the beginning, I pretended the ground was her face and every time my foot came down it was a kick in her head. What makes me even more angry is that his OW (who I will refer to as Chicken Legs) started trail running while they were together. She picked it up to get in shape for him and to have something in common with him, because he trail runs (like me) and mountain bikes. She would even tell her husband she was driving to the trails to run, and come to our house instead and screw him in my son's bedroom. So yes, now running is ruined. But I'm still doing it because I refuse to let them rob me of the one outlet I have.
DeleteI haven't been on a run in a week...I have found myself on that "plain of lethal flatness"... I found out that he is still talking to her (they work together). I asked him to not have any contact with her. So last night I took my ring off and put it away. If he can not respect me enough to give up the "friendship" ... the ring goes back in its little box of deceit and lies, where it will stay with the engagement ring of bitterness and anger. Hello running shoes....I will see you in the morning!
DeleteSorry to be really late to the party (just discovered your blog). I used to be perfectly happy, thinking about art and what I want to draw next, enjoying my life, and now...all I can see is his head stuck in her fat fucking bush. Oh, and I used to never cuss and now it is my new norm in my head and around him (not my daughter or anyone else though)! 3 months since d-day. :(
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