Saturday, October 13, 2012

Anger is Peaking

Just like three weeks after learning about the fake "emotional" affair, now three weeks into learning about the TRUTH I am more angry than ever. We have our good days/weeks/moments, but the last two days, all I can do is dwell on what happened. All I can do is be angry. He is trying SO hard and doing all that he should be doing to make it up to me, and I don't even care. Nothing changes what he did. How could I  be married to someone capable of that? If it had been a one-night-stand caught up in the heat of the moment I might feel differently. But this was TEN MONTHS of opportunities to end it and he didn't.

Why didn't he turn around while driving to her house? He had a chance to think about what he was doing all the way there. Why didn't he stare at the box of condoms going down the checkout belt and realized, "Oh my God! What am I doing??" These are the things I don't understand.

How could he have been so disconnected from me and our life, that he blocked the image of my face while fucking her? How do I move on?

I don't want to discredit his finding God through all of this. I believe that he really has found God and has been changed to the core. He has been broken. He's hit rock-bottom. But what if that wears off over time? And is that a reason to  blow off what he has done to me? Am I supposed to say, "Oh -it's OK - that was the 'old' you and now  you're different." That's not fair! I deserve to make him suffer.

I should scare the shit out of him by kicking him out indefinitely. I'll have the whole weekend with the kids this weekend while he's staying at a friend's house. I hope he spends it digging deep and trying to figure out what kind of man he wants to be for this family. He HAS to figure out what he wants to do with his career because I am DONE being his enabler. I worked my ass off in college and have always had a great job because I am motivated. I feel like he's totally taken advantage of that.

Right now he's trying to please me with chores around the house and flowers every few days. Well I'd much rather he spend his spare time figuring out how to make himself a MAN so this doesn't happen again.
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