Nothingness

It's been a while since I've posted. I think that's a sign of progress. When things are okay, I don't feel the need to post. I primarily write to blow off steam. But here I am at the laptop tonight.

Feeling stuck. Again. Not crazy angry. Not devastated. Just....nothing. Dead inside. I frankly don't really care about my marriage at the moment. I know for a fact that I would be fine without my husband. Even if I started to miss him and wonder if I had made a mistake, all I would have to do is picture him screwing that little whore on top of her kids' car seats and I'd be fine. Because really, why do I need someone who was willing to risk losing me? Someone who put it all on the line - ready to throw it all away - just for a thrill with some whore he didn't even really care about?

Sure, now it's all different. Getting caught puts it all in perspective, and he NOW realizes how he was actually hurting me while fucking someone who could have been his daughter. Why is that? Why do men pull this shit off thinking they aren't doing any harm, and then they're busted and suddenly they'd do anything to take it all back so long as they don't lose you? Well that's swell. It's like a fricking child who finally gets caught doing something naughty, and they beg and beg for forgiveness and promise not to do it again.  It's just shame. Why is there no shame until the act is brought to light? Why was he not ashamed to bring her into my home and curse my sanctuary? Why was he not ashamed when he was paying the CVS clerk for the condoms he just picked out before his next escapade with her? Why was he not ashamed when he received a phone call from me while he was already on a call with her? Did that not REMIND him that he had a fucking WIFE???!?!!

So Sunday (three days ago) I was having a rough day. I was frustrated with the kids, confused about my career, and feeling just plain depressed. Instead of being tender and offering some help, he withdrew. Usually when he withdraws, he comes back around in a few hours, or at the very least, the next day. Not this time. It is now Wednesday and he's still as cold as ice. Granted, I am as well. But you'd think he'd still be in damage control mode and be at least acting like he cared. I'll tell you, if he doesn't care, then a sure as hell don't! I'm not going to beg for it! If he's not willing to fight for me after what he's done to me, then what reason do I have to fight for it??

He needs to prove to me that I need him in times like this, and at the moment he sure as hell isn't offering any counsel. He is only providing distance, which forces me to deal with the bullshit on my own. I can become pretty good at that.

What kind of marriage is this? What has happened to my perfect, happy life? The life in which I felt so secure? Everything is soooo effed up.  He has completely destroyed me, and us. Will it ever be normal again? I fear we will always be a "special needs" marriage, always walking with a limp.

Family Portrait

My youngest son loves to draw. Each day, he draws a family portrait. It's usually four little people with all of our names written above or below. He has been doing this for a long time, but it seems like he really started after the affair was revealed. Coincidence? I think not. I think it's heaven's little reminders of why I'm still here.

In his little mind, this family unit is the most important thing in the world. It is his world. It's the first thing that comes to mind when he sits down to draw. What would his drawing look like if we divorced? Would all four of us still be on the page? Would three be on one side and Dad on the other? Would our faces have frowns?

I think of how my life was turned upside down on D-Day. If I chose to walk away from my marriage, I'd be doing the same exact thing to my children's lives. What a selfish decision that would be on my part.

They say you shouldn't stay in a marriage just "for the kids." I don't think people stay married just for the kids' sake, but instead choose to stay BECAUSE of the kids. There is a difference. Because when you share kids with someone, you share just about everything else in life. And whether you stay or go, some things will remain shared.

Without kids, you can choose to never see your spouse again. You can say goodbye and move on with your life without him/her. With kids, however, your ex-spouse remains very much a part of your life. When the kids are little, you are likely to still deal with them on a daily basis! Illnesses, sports games, school projects, car pools, holidays, proms, weddings, grandchildren - you share these things with your ex-spouse forever. You are required to remain a partner with this person on some level.

Then you have the dating thing. Bringing home possible stepparent candidates to meet your children. Ugh. I cannot bear the thought of another woman packing my kids' lunches or taking them on vacation. I'm sure the image of another man tucking my kids in their beds is enough to make my husband nauseous. I have enough jealousy to deal with from the affair; I don't need to provoke more my handing over my new-and-improved husband to the meat market.

Because we have kids together, we have seen each other at our worst. It all began when my husband held my hand while I screamed like a wild beast giving birth. We dealt with colic. Co-sleeping. Stomach flu. Years of breastfeeding. Accidents. We sacrificed sex for sleep when we had nothing left.

Enduring parenthood together creates a bond like no other. Because we have kids together, I feel an unbreakable connection to him. I can't imagine another man walking into my life now and trying to fill his shoes.

So no, I'm not here because I'm a martyr sacrificing my happiness so to not disrupt my children's happy home. I'm here because healing my marriage with the father of my children sounds like a much happier life than the alternative. It's a choice to hope for beauty and joy and love, rather than bitterness, brokenness and sadness.