Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Adultery SUCKS.

When I started this blog a year ago, I intended for it to be uber-positive. I thought it would be one of the resources out there that would encourage betrayed spouses to press on and work to heal their marriage. I thought I'd be using the affair "for good" and providing a message out of my mess. Well, here I sit, reading my own blog, getting depressed.

I realized I mostly post when I am angry. I rarely posts when things are good. This paints a distorted picture that our road to reconciliation has been all hell. That's simply not true; I just don't feel compelled to write when it's good for some reason. :) I guess that just proves the writing-is-therapy theory.

SO anyways, here I am, 13 months post D-day. And I'm happy, but I'm still sad. And angry. Depressed. Confused. Jealous. Shocked. Seriously, I have a moment at least once a week where I say to myself, "What the HELL?! How is this my life? How did my husband have an affair for a YEAR and I was oblivious? Who is this person I call my husband?" I am STILL shocked when I really think about it. (This usually occurs to me when I am alone in my thoughts.)

You know what sucks? Having to be the one that carries the burden of splitting up our family or pressing on. You know why? Because I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG yet I'm the one who has to choose between hurting my children and turning our lives upside-down or waking up to a lying cheater for the rest of my life. Those are the options. AWESOME. Sometimes I really wish he had left me. It would have been easier to just move on without having the decision.

Don't get me wrong; we have lots of happy times. We have a wonderful time with our kids. We have amazing sex. We laugh and communicate all day long. Yet deep down, there is something there that is not allowing to give myself fully. I am holding back. I am scared to put myself out there with him. I am scared to be vulnerable because I don't trust him. I also don't think he deserves me, so I hold back. This is not a good thing, but why should I feel otherwise? Wouldn't I be a fool to let myself go completely again in the arms of this man who lied to me and manipulated me?

This guarding of my heart or whatever it is does not let allow me to be fully happy. Is that what I want for myself? I have a choice. Do I choose to move forward with a man who hurt me like no other, but is working hard to "fix it"? Or do I choose to do away with it all and have the freedom of a fresh start? Freedom from waking up to the pain every day?

I think about the past year, and the moments of joy I have had. Most of those moments were with my kids, by myself. I find so much joy in them, and most of the time my favorite moments are when he's not around. This has been our life always. He has worked nights, so I've always had my evenings with the boys. This is what I know, so it wouldn't be too hard to adjust to a life without my husband. My boys and I would continue to have so much fun. They are my life.

Oh, this just sucks. I don't want to live with regrets later in life about the choices I make right now. So what's a betrayed girl to do?

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Slaying the Affair Dragon for GOOD

I know his affair had nothing to do with me. I know he's remorseful. I know he's a better man now as a result of hitting rock bottom. I know he'd do anything to make me the happiest woman in the world. If I know all of these things, then why am I still so stuck?

Is it pride? Year one is over and I've put together the pieces of my shattered self-esteem again. I feel like myself again, but stronger. So am I just too proud? Am I dwelling in the land of  I'm-too-good-for-a-cheater? Now that my head is clear again, am I looking at the situation too rationally?

I don't know what else it could be. I would graduate with honors from the school of infidelity. I get it. I understand how people become involved in affairs unintentionally. But despite my knowledge and understanding of all of this, it's like I don't accept it for myself. I can know something to be true but yet not have the ability to apply it to my own life.

I was thinking this morning of an analogy that best represented how I feel right now. One of the things I thought of is "slaying the invincible affair dragon." I feel like every morning I wake to fight the battle. I battle the affair dragon, who is fierce and huge and spewing fire from his mouth. I swing my sword over and over to exhaustion, until I finally slay the dragon to its death. I feel a temporary sense of relief. I catch my breath. I have a chance to look at the world around me and find a bit of peace. But then, the very next morning, the dragon rises again and starts spewing his fire at me. I cannot kill the damn thing. So I start again, fighting and fighting until he's on the ground, appearing to be dead. Next day, he arises yet again.

This is my life. I feel like I wake up every morning to the horrible reality that is a post-affair marriage. I fight explicit images all day. I battle the idea of my husband sharing our sacred marriage bond with another woman. I fight and I battle all day to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes I feel like I won the battle and slayed the dragon. Those days are amazing. The clarity, the peace, the joy I feel on those days! And then, behind my smiling back, that evil dragon is pulling himself up off the ground and is heading towards me again.

I wish you would just die, you mother fucking affair dragon. I'm tired of fighting you.

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