The Voices Inside the Head of a Betrayed Wife

It goes a little something like this.

Waking Up in the Morning

"Mmmmm....is it 6:30 already? Thank God for no nightmares last night." (Turn over) "There he is. He's still here. Why is he still in my bed? I wonder if he screwed her in this bed and he lied to me about it. Why wouldn't he have? He had no problem screwing her in HER husband's bed. (yawn) I can't wait for coffee. I wish I could train the cats to turn the coffee pot on in the morning. I guess I'll get up. The kids are still sleeping so maybe I'll have a few minutes of 'me' time. But he will be disappointed when he wakes up and I'm not in bed. Wait a sec, why do I care? Whatever. Coffee."

While Running

"Man, I'm slow. What should I make for dinner tonight? We can't go out; we went out last night. I think we have tofu. Stir fry should be OK. Do I have any wine, though? Maybe tonight I should try and not drink. Yeah, I'll try to have a night without booze. Good thinking. Geez, why am I so slow today? I feel heavy. I wonder if the whore is still running, like she started doing while fucking my husband. I'd kick her ass in a fitness contest. Man, that would be awesome. Her stupid skinny legs...I wish she could have seen me in that dress I wore to work yesterday. I looked smokin'. I wonder what she looks like now? What should I wear to work today? I have that new pencil skirt I haven't worn yet. What top would I wear? I'm thirsty. Should have brought water after all. Oh well, I will survive 45 minutes without water. I survived a year of eating practically nothing, after all. A year...wait, what month am I in now? I'm not even counting anymore! That's good, I guess. Ugh. I hate my husband. I hate him. I'm thirsty. Maybe I can hit up the drinking fountain at the trail head."

Driving

"Let's see, music or NPR? I should listen to the news; I'm so out of touch. I used to love the news. I'm so different now. Why did he do this to me? I miss the old me. Let's try music. Oh yes, Justin Timberlake. 'What goes around goes around goes around comes all the way back around....." Heck yeah! I hope she's dealing with major karma. Little bitch. Oh JT, you're so hot. I wonder if you will cheat? Stupid question. Of course you will. All men are inclined to, and you have supermodels clawing at your door. Oh man, the song is almost done. I should call my mom. Oh wait, I need to call Tracy, too. Oh, hello stupid Kia SUV! I hate you! Will I ever see a Kia and NOT think of the whore? I hate those cars. I can't believe she pulled out her kids' Wet Wipes out of the glove compartment to clean up his little mess. They both disgust me. He doesn't deserve me! He's such an ass hole. I hate him! Oh hey, the Sam Smith song! Turn it up! I'll call Mom on the way home."

Taking a Walk on My Lunch Hour

"Well that meeting was a waste of time! This project is taking forever. It's hot out. I love this heat, though. I'm so glad I live here. Haha - the whore moved away in her shame and I got to stay here. She is sweating her butt off in the deep south. I hope she hates it. I hope she misses this town every day and feels like crap about being the one that moved her family out of her hometown because she was a little homewrecker. Did I bring a lunch today? Just some carrots and hummus, but that's enough. Gazpacho sounds good, but I had it on Monday. Oh, look at that building! So pretty. I need to give my boss my vacation request when I get back. Where should we go on vacation? Back to San Diego? The kids love it there. He (husband) wanted to go camping, so maybe we should try something new like that. I don't even feel like being with him right now, though. I can't believe he had an affair. WTF. WTF! Oh my God, my husband fucked another woman for a YEAR and got CAUGHT. He didn't even have the decency to come completely clean when he was caught, so he had to get caught AGAIN. Why am I still married to him? I always said I'd leave him if he did this. Am I weak because I stayed? Or am I strong because I stayed? I can't believe my husband had an affair. Crap, it's hot. I wonder if I look stupid walking in these sneakers with my cute dress on. What were those vacation days again?"

You get the idea. This is how it goes, all day long. Thoughts of the affair pop in and out of my head all day, no matter what I'm doing. I can be with him having a great time, and my mind will still play out these little monologues. It's the new norm. It's embedded into my everyday life. There is NO erasing it. 

I hate it. Sometimes I feel like this is all a bad dream because it just couldn't be real. I especially feel this way when I've been completely fine for a while and something reminds me that he had an affair. I feel like I don't even know who I am at those times. It all feels fake. I know it's suppose to eventually go-away-but-not-really-go-away, but to me that feels like we are living a fake life. Not that everyone has to know the drama of my marriage, but I feel like he has gotten away with the worst crime EVER. I feel like a fool.

And then I withdraw. It's too tiring to think about, so I just move on to something else. Eventually the thoughts will creep back in, but they will organically go away for a while, too. 

And then I wake up tomorrow and it starts all over again.

Father's Day

Tomorrow is Father's Day. I took the kids to Hallmark a few days ago to find some cards for their dad. While they were giggling over all the bathroom humor that is ubiquitous in Father's Day cards, I perused through the "husband" section to find him one from me:

"To the Man I Love...."  Hmm. Not ready for that one.

"I'm So Glad You Are My Husband..." I scratch my head at that headline.

"I Love Our Life Together..."  Now that's overreaching!

Come on Hallmark, this is Father's Day. It's not a day for romance. Why can't you make cards that say, "Thanks for being a good dad to my kids?" That's all I ask for!

So then I move over to the generic "for anyone" cards:

"Take Time Out for Yourself Today"

"You Deserve the Best"

"For a Great Dad on Father's Day"

Ugh. So painfully generic.

I walked out without one. I thought it would be better to not say anything than say the wrong thing.

Father's Day is a bit of a trigger for me, anyway. Two years ago (towards the latter part of the affair), I surprised him with a trip to a local olive farm that makes olive oil and has a great little cafe with locally grown products. It was a fun little family morning. Well, I thought so, anyway. I am a planner and I'm always making sure we are making memories as a family.

Anyway, another part of his Father's Day gift that year was a "boys trip" the following day/night with the kids. (This was when he was a stay-at-home dad, so I stayed home because I had to be in the office both days.) So he took the kids up north the next day. That night, I called to say goodnight to the boys. After I said goodnight, my husband took the phone and said that he forgot his phone charger and his phone was dying, so he needed to go so he could turn it off and have a little juice for the next day. I believed him.

Well, months later, as I was going through phone bills trying to match up his phone calls and text messages with every event that occurred in our life the prior year, I saw that he had talked to her that night - the night away with the boys - for over an hour immediately AFTER hanging up with me. Immediately after he told me his phone was dying. Immediately after lying to me. Ok, it wasn't immediately - maybe 10 minutes or so - because after all, he had to get the kids to bed before calling her. 

What did they talk about for over an hour in the same hotel that we have visited countless times as a family? Did they have phone sex in our sacred home-away-from-home? Surely they did. What else does one do on the phone at that hour of the day - for that long - after having a secret affair with them for a year? 

And here I was at home working full-time, happily. It didn't bother me that I was here and they were on a mini-vacation without me. I was proud that my husband was a stay-at-home father. I was happy they were having "boy time" together in the mountains. I was madly in love with the father of my children, and thought my kids and I were the luckiest of all the land. It would have NEVER crossed my mind that he would spend that time with the kids texting and calling a whore.

So that's what I think of at Father's Day. I think of how I've been so happy to make it a special day for my husband over the years, but the reality is that he risked LOSING HIS KIDS for a little escapism with a stupid little whore. He had an entire year to end it and to re-claim his family. But instead, he kept throwing the dice with every drive to her house, every call, every text. Though a psychologist will tell me that he really wasn't consciously choosing her over us, his actions were very clear in that he was choosing HIMSELF over us. 

Father's Day is a tough one for me. That's why this year there was no card (from me), and no plans made. I think he realizes now that he could have lost us all, and he's just happy to have us all here under the same roof on Father's Day.

Maybe someday I will feel differently about Father's Day, but for now it's just another holiday that has lost its purity. It's another reminder of how changed our lives are now. But the fact does remain that he's a good father. And my kids are lucky. And the thought of another man coming near their bedside makes me sick to my stomach. I guess that's something to celebrate, after all.