Thursday, October 3, 2013

Slaying the Affair Dragon for GOOD

I know his affair had nothing to do with me. I know he's remorseful. I know he's a better man now as a result of hitting rock bottom. I know he'd do anything to make me the happiest woman in the world. If I know all of these things, then why am I still so stuck?

Is it pride? Year one is over and I've put together the pieces of my shattered self-esteem again. I feel like myself again, but stronger. So am I just too proud? Am I dwelling in the land of  I'm-too-good-for-a-cheater? Now that my head is clear again, am I looking at the situation too rationally?

I don't know what else it could be. I would graduate with honors from the school of infidelity. I get it. I understand how people become involved in affairs unintentionally. But despite my knowledge and understanding of all of this, it's like I don't accept it for myself. I can know something to be true but yet not have the ability to apply it to my own life.

I was thinking this morning of an analogy that best represented how I feel right now. One of the things I thought of is "slaying the invincible affair dragon." I feel like every morning I wake to fight the battle. I battle the affair dragon, who is fierce and huge and spewing fire from his mouth. I swing my sword over and over to exhaustion, until I finally slay the dragon to its death. I feel a temporary sense of relief. I catch my breath. I have a chance to look at the world around me and find a bit of peace. But then, the very next morning, the dragon rises again and starts spewing his fire at me. I cannot kill the damn thing. So I start again, fighting and fighting until he's on the ground, appearing to be dead. Next day, he arises yet again.

This is my life. I feel like I wake up every morning to the horrible reality that is a post-affair marriage. I fight explicit images all day. I battle the idea of my husband sharing our sacred marriage bond with another woman. I fight and I battle all day to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes I feel like I won the battle and slayed the dragon. Those days are amazing. The clarity, the peace, the joy I feel on those days! And then, behind my smiling back, that evil dragon is pulling himself up off the ground and is heading towards me again.

I wish you would just die, you mother fucking affair dragon. I'm tired of fighting you.

1 comment:

  1. So glad I found your blog - I'll be following it from now on.

    I totally get exactly what you are saying. I feel EXACTLY the same way... It's the most exhausting experience of my life. And as you say, we have to get up and do it all again every single day... will it ever end?!

    I hang onto the thought that there are many who are 4+ years out who seem to have a handle on this thing. I trust that it's just a matter of time....

    Hang in there!


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