I know his affair had nothing to do with me. I know he's remorseful. I know he's a better man now as a result of hitting rock bottom. I know he'd do anything to make me the happiest woman in the world. If I know all of these things, then why am I still so stuck?
Is it pride? Year one is over and I've put together the pieces of my shattered self-esteem again. I feel like myself again, but stronger. So am I just too proud? Am I dwelling in the land of I'm-too-good-for-a-cheater? Now that my head is clear again, am I looking at the situation too rationally?
I don't know what else it could be. I would graduate with honors from the school of infidelity. I get it. I understand how people become involved in affairs unintentionally. But despite my knowledge and understanding of all of this, it's like I don't accept it for myself. I can know something to be true but yet not have the ability to apply it to my own life.
I was thinking this morning of an analogy that best represented how I feel right now. One of the things I thought of is "slaying the invincible affair dragon." I feel like every morning I wake to fight the battle. I battle the affair dragon, who is fierce and huge and spewing fire from his mouth. I swing my sword over and over to exhaustion, until I finally slay the dragon to its death. I feel a temporary sense of relief. I catch my breath. I have a chance to look at the world around me and find a bit of peace. But then, the very next morning, the dragon rises again and starts spewing his fire at me. I cannot kill the damn thing. So I start again, fighting and fighting until he's on the ground, appearing to be dead. Next day, he arises yet again.
This is my life. I feel like I wake up every morning to the horrible reality that is a post-affair marriage. I fight explicit images all day. I battle the idea of my husband sharing our sacred marriage bond with another woman. I fight and I battle all day to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes I feel like I won the battle and slayed the dragon. Those days are amazing. The clarity, the peace, the joy I feel on those days! And then, behind my smiling back, that evil dragon is pulling himself up off the ground and is heading towards me again.
I wish you would just die, you mother fucking affair dragon. I'm tired of fighting you.