Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Adultery SUCKS.

When I started this blog a year ago, I intended for it to be uber-positive. I thought it would be one of the resources out there that would encourage betrayed spouses to press on and work to heal their marriage. I thought I'd be using the affair "for good" and providing a message out of my mess. Well, here I sit, reading my own blog, getting depressed.

I realized I mostly post when I am angry. I rarely posts when things are good. This paints a distorted picture that our road to reconciliation has been all hell. That's simply not true; I just don't feel compelled to write when it's good for some reason. :) I guess that just proves the writing-is-therapy theory.

SO anyways, here I am, 13 months post D-day. And I'm happy, but I'm still sad. And angry. Depressed. Confused. Jealous. Shocked. Seriously, I have a moment at least once a week where I say to myself, "What the HELL?! How is this my life? How did my husband have an affair for a YEAR and I was oblivious? Who is this person I call my husband?" I am STILL shocked when I really think about it. (This usually occurs to me when I am alone in my thoughts.)

You know what sucks? Having to be the one that carries the burden of splitting up our family or pressing on. You know why? Because I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG yet I'm the one who has to choose between hurting my children and turning our lives upside-down or waking up to a lying cheater for the rest of my life. Those are the options. AWESOME. Sometimes I really wish he had left me. It would have been easier to just move on without having the decision.

Don't get me wrong; we have lots of happy times. We have a wonderful time with our kids. We have amazing sex. We laugh and communicate all day long. Yet deep down, there is something there that is not allowing to give myself fully. I am holding back. I am scared to put myself out there with him. I am scared to be vulnerable because I don't trust him. I also don't think he deserves me, so I hold back. This is not a good thing, but why should I feel otherwise? Wouldn't I be a fool to let myself go completely again in the arms of this man who lied to me and manipulated me?

This guarding of my heart or whatever it is does not let allow me to be fully happy. Is that what I want for myself? I have a choice. Do I choose to move forward with a man who hurt me like no other, but is working hard to "fix it"? Or do I choose to do away with it all and have the freedom of a fresh start? Freedom from waking up to the pain every day?

I think about the past year, and the moments of joy I have had. Most of those moments were with my kids, by myself. I find so much joy in them, and most of the time my favorite moments are when he's not around. This has been our life always. He has worked nights, so I've always had my evenings with the boys. This is what I know, so it wouldn't be too hard to adjust to a life without my husband. My boys and I would continue to have so much fun. They are my life.

Oh, this just sucks. I don't want to live with regrets later in life about the choices I make right now. So what's a betrayed girl to do?

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