Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Awesome Consequences of Cheating on Your Spouse #286

I used to be a pretty tough chic. I've run marathons. Given birth naturally. "No gain without pain" was something I lived by.

Now? Not so much. Ever since I was betrayed by my husband and experienced the worst emotional pain known to the human race, I have become a royal wimp. You would think it would be the opposite. I thought I was going to be a badass after this experience and that pain wouldn't even effect me. Rather, I react like a helpless victim when I get physically hurt now.

It happened yesterday while I was running on the trails while my husband was biking alongside me. I was running along, and sure enough my mind started veering off to the affair. Nothing graphic or horrible, but more of a realization of the scars our marriage now carries. My running became sloppy because I lost focus, and I tripped on a rock.

I fell face first, shredding up my hands, elbows, knees and hips. I hit my ribs pretty hard, too. I gasped for a breath and just started bawling like a child. I was angry. I wanted to blame someone. I felt like a victim and that someone else had done this to me. I sat there all dusty and bloody in silence after I calmed down for a bit. I just sat there. What has happened to my life? What has happened to ME? I just tripped and it was no one else's fault but my own, yet I want to get mad at someone else for it. I sat there in a dust pile having my own little pity party. 

This anger thing is common now when I get hurt, whether it's when I slam my fingers in the door or hit my head on a kitchen cabinet. The instant it happens, a bolt of anger shoots through me and I am angry at "whoever" did this to me. In most cases, it's my own carelessness that causes these silly incidences but I still want to blame my husband. Or the whore. Or someone.

Anything bad that happens to me is all their fault. (Or so it seems to me in those moments.)

Why do I do this? Do I associate all pain with the pain he inflicted on me? Am I just overly sensitive now? I flinch all the time, as if I'm anticipating someone or something hurting me - whether it's when someone gets too physically close or a ball is being thrown near my face. I throw up this wall of defensiveness.

And I flippin' cry all the time when crap happens to me. It's so loser-ish. I was never a loser before.

Great. Add it to the list of awesome consequences of cheating on your spouse.

AWESOME CONSEQUENCES OF CHEATING ON YOUR SPOUSE
#286 - YOUR WIFE WILL BECOME A CRYBABY AND BLAME YOU FOR ALL PAINFUL EXPERIENCES FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE

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