Sunday, August 24, 2014

Stuck

Two years ago this morning, I woke with an unsettling feeling. My husband had come home from work early the night before without explanation. He walked through the door like a zombie, not saying much except for that he didn’t feel well as he stared into the abyss. I felt his forehead; no temperature. I tried to feed him dinner but he wasn’t hungry. This was so strange, I thought. He didn’t text me or call me that he was coming home or that he wasn’t feeling great. He would tell me if he was coming home.

So the next morning, he still wouldn’t tell me what was going on. I went on a run before getting ready for work. As I ran, I thought to myself: Did he get a phone call from a family member and someone is dying? Does he have a terminal disease and is afraid to tell me about it? My mind created a dozen different scenarios, but not one of them had anything to do with another woman. Even my imagination was incapable of painting such a picture.

I returned from my run and got ready for work as he stood in the bathroom doorway and watched me with his eyes glazed over. “You know, if you don’t tell me what’s going on, I’m going to imagine the worst,” I told him. He was motionless.

I finished getting dressed as he sat at the end of the bed. I sat on the ground, and grabbed his knees. “What’s going on, babe?” I tenderly asked. The tears started leaking from his eyes. “Don’t be nice to me….don’t be nice to me!” he exclaimed.

My stomach sank. Oh my God. No. Could he be cheating on me? What? No. There’s no way. We are the poster child couple. We tell each other everything. We talk/text dozens of times a day. There’s no way he could be hiding a girlfriend. Who IS this person in front of me?

He proceeded to tell me that he and Chicken Legs have been talking and texting a lot for a while. He’s so happy with me and where we’re at, and he’s so sorry.

“Did you kiss her?” I asked in disbelief. Kiss her! Man, I had no idea. My innocent little heart couldn’t get past the thought of a simple make out sesh!

“Just a couple times,” he lied.

The rest of the day was spent in total hysterics, with us both screaming, making love, crying, me questioning, him dodging the questions, and embracing. I believed his lies. I believed that it was an emotional affair and that they had only kissed a couple of times in the work parking lot. And that was enough to destroy me.

Until exactly a month later, when the whole truth would be revealed. I would start this process all over again on that day.

So that morning was two years ago today. Two years ago, I thought I’d be over this by now. I thought we’d be in the best place ever in the fall of 2014. Our marriage was going to be stronger, better, and happier. We were going to be renewing our wedding vows and sending this horrible event to its grave. Because I was Miss. Overachiever. I never failed at anything in life. I was special, and I was going to overcome this better and faster than anyone. I was going to write books about this and help others heal their marriage.

Turns out, I’m not as special as I thought I was.

Here I sit today, 730 days later, and I still can cry at the image of the two of them. I’m still shocked at what he accomplished behind my back. I’m still hurt that my husband brought a third party into our marriage bed. I’m still wondering if our marriage will survive. I’m Still. Not. Over. It.

And that’s a shitty feeling. Especially for someone who accomplishes everything they put their mind to. For someone who can mentally push through the most challenging feats. For someone who considers themself to be strong, compassionate, and forgiving. For this person, it feels like utter failure.

What is wrong with me? I ask myself this every day. I feel stupid. I feel embarrassed. I feel like a Negative Nancy. I feel alone, because I can no longer dump my sorrows onto friends and family. Everyone else is over it, except me.

Will I be over it two more years from now? Who knows. And that is what I hate: not knowing. I feel like I’m waiting for something to happen that will fix it all for me. I will be hit with some major realization that this is all stupid and in the past, and I can just let it go and move forward with my husband. Or, maybe I’m waiting around for the next shoe to drop, so I can just walk away and move on with my life.

But two years later, that lightening bolt has yet to strike. I wake up each morning like Groundhog Day, reliving the same emotions as the day before. It still happened. I’m still here, and he’s still in my bed. I’m still confused. I still don’t understand. Yet I’m still functioning, going to work, laughing with my kids, and watching them grow.

It’s like there is a mirage of me moving forward, accomplishing my daily tasks, running my kids around, and making future vacation plans - yet the real me is standing still, with my feet stuck in the mud.

I know we’ve made progress. There are countless signs that I’ve healed in many ways. Maybe it’s just a little more time that I need.

The lightening bolt won’t ever strike. Deep down I know I don’t want to be divorced. But I also don’t want to be in a cheap marriage. The only choice left is to push past the anger and put a concerted effort into fixing my marriage. So why can’t I just do that? What is holding me back? If that is what I want, why can’t I just take the plunge? What am I afraid of?

20 comments:

  1. Your not afraid of anything. Funny I wrote about feeling stupid today. I wish you were on wordpress I don't get the emails when I've followed you.

    You dear blogging infidelity pal are amazing and thanks for sharing alot of your story. I was fed lies to and the trickle truth seemed to cut harsher than just the fidelity vow being broken.

    He didn't protect me, he caused the hurt and continued to hurt me without helping me a bit. Yeah I can identify with stuck..

    Here's to being unstuck one of these days

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
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      Delete
  2. I'm actually going o try and move over to Wordpress for this very reason! I feel our entire "base" is over there.

    I hear you on the trickle truth. Ugh, I can't even think about i.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Our wedding was held at one of most exotic San Francisco wedding venues in last month and it was truly a fantabulous day for us just like yours. Anyway dear, your story was quite intense. Thanks a lot for sharing such private things here.

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  10. I am one of those people who said, “I’ll never call a psychic or a magician or whatever” to help me with my problems – least of all my love problems, but I reached the point where I knew I needed some guidance, and I’m so glad I found this man called dr.ajeghe. When I nearly lost David in one of our stupid,fights (he broke up with me), I thought I had lost everything.i cry all day and think that he will never come back to me again.i read so many testimony about Dr. ajeghe love spell,how he help to bring back ex lover back.I quickly email him.and also get back my husband with his love spell. And when I was at my most desperate,he didn’t take advantage of me. You performed a very good service for a person in true need. I don’t know how you did it, or how this magic works, but all I know is, IT WORKS!! David my husband and I are happily back together, and I’ll always be grateful to dr.ajeghe email him for any kinds of help is very capable and reliable for help ajeghespelltemple@gmail.com or WhatsApp him +2349069171173

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  14. We can always make our relationship the best for us, life or career a successful as we desire, it only take you to put in the right effort and if you feel you need help then look for help. After my husband left me heartbroken. I was lonely, devastated and sad luckily I was directed to a very kind and powerful man Dr Agens who helped me brought back my husband and now he loves me far more than ever am so happy with life now thank you so much dragnesspiritualtemple@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  15. An amazing testimony on a spell caster who brought my husband back to me.. My name is Alicia ,i live in Florida,USA,and I’m happily married to a lovely and caring husband ,with two kids.A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce.he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn’t love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited.( azentemple@gmail.com} . So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn’t call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same email ( azentemple@gmail.com ,or whatsapp Dr azen on (+2349038299828)

    ReplyDelete
  16. An amazing testimony on a spell caster who brought my husband back to me.. My name is Alicia ,i live in Florida,USA,and I’m happily married to a lovely and caring husband ,with two kids.A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce.he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn’t love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited.( azentemple@gmail.com} . So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn’t call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same email ( azentemple@gmail.com ,or whatsapp Dr azen on (+2349038299828)

    ReplyDelete
  17. I am very glad for what Dr Ogedegbe did for me, i meant dr ogedegbe through a friend he helped win a court case of divorce few weeks ago and when i contacted him, he help me to cast a death spell on my mother in-law who was really troubling my life and future, she never wanted my progress, each time I get a job from a company, I get drove back because of the witchcraft mother in-law I have, I never knew my mother in-law was the one troubling me, until one day I contacted Dr Ogedegbe for help and he told me that my mother in-law is the one troubling me and he help me cast a death spell on her. I am happy because the evil doer is dead and ever since then my life has turned around for good things, I now work fine for me and am now i am happily living beautifully with my family, thanks to Dr Ogedegbe. I recommend you to contact Dr Ogedegbe via email dr.ogedegbe6@gmail. com or call/whatsapp him via +2348109374702..

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hello everyone, I am Mia. from Oklahoma USA, I want to use this medium to appreciate Dr Ogedegbe the great black magic spell caster for the successful death spells he cast on someone for me. I contacted him when my husband left me for another woman who uses witchcraft power to take my husband. I was desperately in need of help when I found his contacts online about his genuine powers. I told him my situation and how I wanted the bitch who took my husband gone. He told me not to worry. He cast the death spells ritual on her and the bitch died in her sleep within 24hours. Now my husband  is back home and we are living happily. Thank you so much Dr Ogedegbe, You are so real and true. Below are his contacts in case you want to contact him via email dr.ogedegbe6@gmail.com or Call/WhatsApp:  +2348109374702....
    he also render the following services.....LOVE SPELL....LOTTERY SPELL....PROMOTION SPELL...etc..   

    ReplyDelete
  19. Greetings to everyone reading this testimony,am here to
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    ReplyDelete

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