A Symbol of His (Broken) Promise

I took my wedding ring off tonight. I don't know why; I haven't even really considered taking it off up to now. Even in my darkest of days, I've never given it much thought. Tonight, however, I looked at it and thought, "Why am I wearing this? What does it represent?"

Well, it represents a promise he made almost 14 years ago in front of God, my friends and my family. I remember him sliding it onto my finger and speaking the words of our vows while gazing into my eyes. That day now really seems like a complete joke to me. I can honestly say that I think of that day - or even look at our wedding pictures - and feel ashamed. How naïve I was. How young and foolish I was. I was 21 years old! He had taken over 30 women to bed at that point in his life, and here he had swept this BABY (me) off her feet! Makes me think he was a dirty sicko wanting to brag about his 21-year-old wifey that was madly in love with him. UGH! I regret it! I really can say that I regret marrying him....at least at such a young age. I know I was madly in love, but DAMN HIM for interrupting my college years and my time to even figure out who I was as a person! I'm just finally NOW discovering who I am, independent from my spouse - because my entire adult life has been identified with my life as a his wife.

So yes, I took off my ring that represents a promise broken. What is the point, anyway? He wore his ring the whole time he was having an affair, so it obviously meant nothing to him! In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if that ring WENT INSIDE HER while he fingered her! Seriously.

I can't believe how good it feels not wearing it, and it's only been 10 minutes! I like how it looks. Maybe I'll go out and buy a bunch of cheap rings at Forever 21 tomorrow and replace it with something funky every day that coordinates with my outfit. YES! That's what I'll do. HA!

Maybe he can get me another ring someday if we renew our vows. I really don't feel like wearing that one anymore. Ohhhh...maybe I can sell it and use the money to go on an exotic vacation by myself! That's an idea...

I'm feeling a little sassy tonight. I like it.

Today.

TODAY. I just hammered about 56 nails into my bedroom wall and strung yarn around each one to spell out the word. Yes, the word "TODAY" is now plastered over my head when I wake up each morning and close my eyes each night. It's my new mantra. It's the only way to get through this, people. You can't let yourself miss out on the beauty of today because the fog of your pain from yesterday clouds your vision. Don't let anyone take it from you. If you have kids, don't block out their sweet voice because you are listening to the porno in your head of your spouse's encounters with his/her lover. Seriously, I did this for nine months and I'm so mad at myself for it. I pretty much missed 9 months of my kids' lives. I was there with them, but I was not present. My God, I don't even remember this last Christmas morning. Did Christmas even happen? I have pictures to prove that I was there, opening presents with the kids, but I was so absent. I don't remember the magic.

DO NOT let your spouse and the "other" one take another minute from your life. Today is YOURS. OWN it. Maximize it. Blow the day with things that make you happy. Who gives a rip that your house isn't perfectly tidy? Does it matter anymore? Do any of those petty things matter anymore? No, because now you're going to put yourself first. That's right, you are more important than that stupid pile of paperwork that needs to be filed or the dirty floor that needs mopping. Do what you need to do to get through today.

Go to the gym. Go out with your girlfriend and don't feel guilty about it. Pour a cocktail and watch an old movie in your pajamas at 6PM. Who the hell cares? Right now you need to take care of YOU. You deserve it.

Out With the Old, In With the New

So here I am, beginning of July, and I can honestly say that something has changed. Since the 9-month mark, I have only had 3 spells of anger, and they only lasted a few hours at the most. The affair no longer sits in the foreground of my thoughts. It's an afterthought, most of the time. (Well, except when I come across a trigger that sends my mind reeling...)

You know what has helped tremendously? Change. I know it sounds cliché, but seriously - it's the one thing that helps me move forward. We are turning our routines upside down. If there is an opportunity to change anything about my life - whether it's routines, new hobbies, new clothes, new haircuts - I'm all over it. I feel like it gives me a sense of newness to my life, like the moment to do whatever-it-is-I've-been-putting-off is NOW.

I don't know about you, but I don't want anything about my daily life to remind me of the past. I don't need any more triggers to remind me of the affair! I also don't want to slip into our old patterns that got him in the mess in the first place, so the way to avoid that is to change EVERYTHING about your daily routines.

Here are the changes we have made that have made a positive impact:

• Evening routines: I used to put the kids to bed while he did the dishes, and we've reversed it.
• Jobs: I went part-time, and now he's working in an entirely new industry. It's huge.
• Personal appearance: I went blonde and have upped the sassiness in my wardrobe and accessories. I get more compliments than ever - even from men!
• Changes to the house: I've moved our family photo collage to a different part of the house, moved furniture around, redecorated my son's room (where "it" happened), and painted. We've even moved things around in the kitchen cupboards and I love it.
• Sunday mornings: We now attend church as a family. Before, I might attend with the kids on my own occasionally, but J was never interested. Now he's passionate about going and considers it a priority for our family.
• Meal blessings: We started praying before meals as a family. It's the sweetest thing to hear J pray out loud with our kids. (This is nothing short of a miracle!)
• Fitness: I joined a gym with a childcare facility. I'm enjoying the change of workout routines in addition to my running schedule. I drop the kids off and go to yoga for an hour and don't even feel an ounce guilty about it!

I look at our life now compared with a year ago and we are a different family! It's good. It's really good.