Ummm, Wow. My Story in a Kelly Clarson Song.

Everything Is Changed

I got little sleep last night. I was thinking about my feelings for him, and how different they are now. I love him - I always will - but it's a different kind of love. It's not a fairytale, he's-my-knight-in-shining-armor kind of love anymore. Even after 13 years of marriage, I did see him in that light until this happened. But now that is so far gone.

It's my disappointment in him that has ruined it all. I don't know if I will ever love him the same way again after being lied to for so long, and with such skill. After the half-truth came out (that he was only having an emotional affair), I begged him to tell me if he had had sex with her, or even other things that now seem so innocent. I remember him grabbing my face with his eyes wide open staring directly into mine, saying, "I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER! I NEVER WANTED THAT!" Then there were all the other cover-ups, like "we didn't ever have the opportunity to go that far". HA! What a crock. And to think he would get up before the sun rose to drive 20 minutes out of his way before a bike ride to go bang her. Never had the opportunity, my ass - they did a great job of CREATING the opportunity!

How does one get over that dishonesty? That look-me-square-in-the-eye lying? I know he feels horrible now and is so broken. But wow, how crazy is it that he had the chance to come clean and continued to build lies upon lies upon lies. God, I wish he had come clean himself. It would have changed everything. The mere fact that he was busted and then continued to lie to me until he was busted AGAIN is the most painful aspect of all - more so than the sex. (Well, ok - the sex part kills me.)

When will I feel attracted to him again the way I did before? I just don't see him in the same light. I enjoy sex with him, but I feel like I'm having sex with some other man. It's not my husband, or at least who I thought my husband was. It's the strangest thing. When will I feel that connection again? When will I forget the third party that was once in our bedroom?

And I am SOOOO scared that when all of these distractions die down - getting the house ready for rental, redecorating the new house, settling the kids into a new school, etc. - my head will be less cluttered and then what? Will I feel everything even more?

I HATE HATE HATE him for putting me through this. I am telling you, no marriage is immune! I thought ours was the one that would stand the test of time without infidelity. Wow, what a shock it was, and how it has changed my perspective on life. You just can't count on anybody. You can't depend on others for your happiness. I feel so numb! So cynical, so mad at the world.

Alright, gotta get exercising or something because you KNOW that if I have learned anything in all of this, it's that I need to feel in control of something. And I am learning that I can control how my body looks, that's for damn sure.

Peace out, fellow survivors.

Numbing of the Heart

We've been visiting on the island for a week now. For the most part, it's been good. I haven't had many anger episodes (except for a HUGE one the first night), and I've been feeling generally like my old self. However, being here does make the affair feel so far away. It feels like it happened ages ago, not just a few months ago. I guess that's what being on a deserted island does to your circumstances.

We go home on Saturday, and I'm feeling mixed about it. On one hand, I can't wait to get home and see my friends again. I can't wait to drive my car and go to a big grocery store and not pay $8.50 for cereal! I look forward to the routine of the kids back in school and me back to work.

On the other hand, I am scared shitless. The last time we were separated, I went into superhuman mode and completely hardened my heart to not feel the pain. I don't know if it was because I needed to be on my A-game for the kids and for work, but I went completely numb. I felt NOTHING for my husband. I was pissed off at him, and felt like I didn't need him. And here I am, feeling myself go numb again. I feel like I'm shutting down or something. It's totally involuntary, and I don't understand it.

Of course, I'm also worried about going back to Ground Zero. Anywhere I turn in my own house is a reminder of the two of them. I can't be at the office without thinking of driving just 2 miles west to her work and freaking her out with my presence. I can't drive the kids to school without thinking of showing up to her husband's store to talk to him and see what's going on between them, and see how he's dealing with things (and of course, whether he's learned any new details). I can't go to the mall without the temptation of driving past her house.

It's been 3 1/2 months since I've known. My therapist keeps saying "it's SOOOO early still!", which totally freaks me out. Seriously, how much longer can I feel like a crazy person without literally going crazy? When will I stop obsessing over the thought of them together? When will I stop HATING her so much that I fantasize about doing the most horrible things to her? I am so done.

I know that it's silly to wish this never happened. I DO wish it never happened, but it's out of my control. My God, how little control I really do have. I've learned so much from this already. I hate to say it, but it's really given me a pessimistic perspective that I've never had before. Maybe that's a good thing, though. Maybe I was too naive, too trustworthy before. I feel this barrier around me now, like my protective bubble that keeps me safe. I know I can only control myself, and so I feel more confident knowing that I'm not going to let others let me down anymore. It feels kinda good. I feel like a badass. I like it. I wonder if my husband will, though, because this woman is definitely not the one he married. Oh well, it's his Frankenstein.

What Am I Doing?

January 2, 2013

Hello 2013. I welcome you with open arms. Bring it on. There is nothing you can throw at me that I can't handle. I can take it, whatever it is, and will face it dead on like a rockstar. No more sweet, naive me. No more gullible, pushover me. Nope. Not anymore. I won't trust you until you give me a reason to. I won't expect the best in people; I'll expect the worst first and let them surprise me. This is my new perspective after what I've been through. After the one person who I trusted with my LIFE turned out to be a fraud, I'm not trusting anyone but myself and God. Why should I? If my husband was capable of such deceit - the one man I thought was the exception to all men - then anyone is.

I am on a plane with my boys right now to a private island, where we will visit our new home. What am I doing? I can't say that I know. All I know is that I'm taking the chance, because the new me takes risks. What do I have to lose? This move will prove to be either just what we need, or the other way around. Worst case scenario, I get out of Phoenix (where the memories of the two of them are all around me) and find a place on the closest island with my kids. J is working 12-15 hour days anyway, so the boys probably wouldn't even catch on in the beginning.

J is so excited for us to get down there. He sees this beautiful, romantic place as the answer to our problems. How can I be angry with him when I'm surrounded by such beauty? Problem is, that's his perspective because he wants to run as far away as possible from his nightmare. I'd love to have that mechanism, but I'm just bringing the images and anger down with me. He's probably so far removed (in his mind) from the past that it probably never even crosses his mind down there! Not to mention he is working ALL DAY and night that how could he think about it even if he wanted to? He has to be consumed by work, because that's the nature of his job. I, on the other hand, am left with all the cleanup. No more therapy together, no more time for him to reflect and feel the remorse, no more time just sitting together, talking about what happened and why - no matter how many times and in how many different ways I ask.

I just don't know. I'm still all over the place with my emotions. I feel positive and excited for our future together one minute, and the next all I can think about is him going down on her. UGHH!!! Oh My God!!! I can't believe he smelled and tasted another woman!!!!!!!  Who is this man???? And now I'm going to give up my life and home to move down to a deserted island with him??? What the fuck am I doing.

My biggest fear is that the changes in him are not permanent. Sure, right now he seems like a different man. But how will that change now that he's in such an executive role? He went from low self-esteem to the biggest ego boost a man can receive. What will that do to the "new" him? What about 2, 3, 5 years down the road? Will he even remember what he's done to me? Will the sting have worn off to the point where he becomes numb again?

I wonder so many things, like did he have an endearing nickname for her? Even if he just called her "babe" (which I'm sure he did, because he calls his male friends that), that hurts like hell. Did he tell her about his childhood? About his past? About how he and I met? How much did he tell her about me? In what ways did he speak of me? Did he tell her all the things that annoy him about me? Did he complain about me? Did he tell her she was better than me at anything sexual? What fucking porn site did he take a picture from and text to her?

I want to go back to her work and make her feel like shit again. I want to go regularly to remind her of the person she tried to destroy but failed. I want to go wearing my funkiest clothes to show her how confident I am. I want to hold my head high with a smile on my face, showing my integrity and pride, which she no longer has. Who the hell did she think she was coming on to a married man that could be her father??! When she has two young kids of her own at home?? Such selfishness and lack of morality. SO much for that mormon upbringing! Did her a lot of good.

When will this anger dissipate? When will it not sting so much? When will I think of my husband and not go "OH MY GOD! I can't believe he could do this to me!!" Why does he deserve me? He doesn't. God, I wish we didn't have the kids. I love my kids more than anything. But God, I'd rather he had done this to me 8 years ago so my decision could be so much easier. Swear to God, I wouldn't have stayed. His ass would have been on the streets. If we don't make it, I can't even imagine being with another man. If my husband was capable, than there is no man out there who is immune. After all, apparently it doesn't matter how hard you try to be a good, loving wife. It doesn't matter if you stay thin and pretty. It doesn't matter if you blow your husband several times a week for the sheer enjoyment of giving it to him. Nope, I did all those things and was still betrayed. No woman is safe. No woman is immune. I will never feel 100% safe and secure again. I see my marriage so differently now. I no longer hold on to the security I have in my husband, in his arms. Nope, marriage is a just a joint effort of raising a family and partnering through life. I will live for myself before I live for my husband. He doesn't come first anymore - I do. If this ever happened again, I'd be ready for it. I wouldn't be as destroyed as I was this time, because I wouldn't be so dependent on him for my happiness. I'm looking out for myself and my kids from now on.