Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Tonight's Trigger is Brought to you by...A Complete Stranger

We went out for a date night last night. It's been good - like really, really good - for almost two weeks now. So we were very excited about this date night, since we haven't had a good date night (without things going south) in a very long time.

It started out magically. He met me at a trendy restaurant, and I was already sitting at the table when he arrived. I watched him walk by the windows and even had that flutter in my stomach. He looked so good, and for once I wasn't thinking about him being taken from me - I was thinking about how he's MINE and is coming to meet ME.

We ordered a bottle of wine and some food, and the conversation was light and happy. Then the food runner came with our meal. She had "her" hair, similar eyes, and similar body type. I tried to brush it off and enjoy the food. We continued, and I was fine. Then I saw her talking to her co-worker buddy, who also had similar features. I don't know if it was just the wine, but I just lost it. I said to him, "Why do all the employees here look like her?!" He immediately said, "Don't do this. I'm here with you." I said, "It doesn't matter. I know what she looked like, so anyone who looks similar is a threat to me." He got angry. Quiet. Put up his walls. All I wanted him to do is reach and grab my hand, or come over to my side of the table and hold me. But no, he just pulled away.

Why does he do this? Why doesn't he get it by now? Every time he puts up his walls when I get sad/angry/depressed, he says that "next time" he is going to handle it better. But he doesn't.

So we continued the date and did some shopping. He continued to be quiet. I reached out to him a few times - I even apologized! - yet he never came around. Even this morning, when things had softened a bit, he didn't apologize or acknowledge how poorly he handled the night.

I understand. He was disappointed that yet ANOTHER date night went south. We have so many restaurants that are now "ruined" because we've ended an evening fighting at the table.

But give me a break, this is how it goes! He should know it by now! I'm sorry, but if I had an affair with a 6'4" blonde man, my husband would feel a little insecure - or at least be reminded of the pain - every time he saw a tall blonde man. That's the way it goes. I'm guessing for a really long time.

I don't even know how to handle dates anymore. Sometimes we say that we should give up on dating because the expectations are just too unrealistic. But then we have good days and decide to capitalize on the good, so we go for it. But EVERY time it ends in a fight.

Movies are out; all of them have affairs or new romance in them. Restaurants are out; your server could look like the other woman. Basically all places with other people are a gamble, because you never know when you're going to come across someone or something that triggers the pain. For example, I was out with my sister at an outdoor movie the other night and there was a couple in front of us making out. Where did my mind go? You guessed it.

When will the general public not be a threat to my fragile heart?

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