Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Am I Ready?

Something has changed in the last two weeks. I can't put my finger on why or how the change has occurred, but all I know is that I'm thinking about the affair less and less. In fact, some nights I go to bed and realize that I maybe didn't even think about it all day? Or if I did, I did not get engrossed in the thought. I let the thought pass through me organically, without studying it - without giving it emotion.

I'm looking at my husband in a more empathetic way, too. He has endured a year of complete hell from me, and has stayed here by my side, taking it. I realize that although he had a little "fun" during the affair, the torment he has experienced in the last year has more than discounted the pleasure he got from it.

Maybe I'm just getting sick of it. I'm tired of dragging it around with me. I'm tired of missing out on what's happening right before my eyes because I'm looking backward. I'm tired of the poisonous feeling of anger and bitterness. I'm tired of thinking of something that happened two years ago. I can't even remember the details of my life two years ago unless I look at why am I keeping his actions from two years ago alive?

Is this what forgiveness looks like? Is it an organic process in which you gradually just let it....go? The pain, the thoughts, the anger - you just start loosening your grip?

If I were to be completely honest with myself, I'd have to say that in my heart, I have forgiven him. I really believe I have. So why am I so afraid to say the words? Perhaps it's because I don't trust my own thoughts and emotions. Heck, if you've ready a few of my posts you can see how bipolar one becomes from this madness. So maybe I think I've forgiven but afraid I'll wake up tomorrow and feel completely different.

We are seeing a new counselor who is A-MAZ-ING. He has really helped me in this subject of forgiveness in four short weeks. We have six more sessions, and I'm pretty sure we'll be in a really good place at the end of it all. That is, if I do my homework and apply what I'm learning. That's the hard part!!

You see, this whole recovery process is just a big mind game. Like they say, it's not about your circumstance, it's about your reaction to your circumstance. We all know that the mind is a powerful thing, and it will direct your feelings. The trouble is, it's not easy. Talking yourself down from negative thoughts when you've been hurt feels completely unnatural. I believe that is why so many couples do not survive infidelity. You have to be one strong ass mama to overcome it.

But no worries, because I am one STRONG ASS MAMA. Forgiveness is close....I can feel it.

No comments:

Post a Comment

to Top