Monday, September 23, 2013

Year One. Done.

I remember a year ago like it was hours ago. I remember the drop in my stomach. I remember the feeling of suddenly living in an alternate universe. I remember looking into my husband's eyes and seeing my enemy, after believing he was my one true source of protection and love. I remember not knowing what was real and what was fake. Was everyone in my life scheming behind my back? Were my kids even real? Such an insane reality to be thrown into. I'm glad it's all behind me. I'm glad the first year of hell is over.

I remember being in our first counseling session and our therapist saying it could take a year if not more to heal from this. My reaction was, "Are you KIDDING? A YEAR???" I couldn't imagine feeling that anger another week, let alone a year. Then as I continued to read and talk to other couples who had been through this, it turns out the more common timeline is 2-5 years. The "year" only applied to a select few couples who do the hard work from day one and do everything perfectly to heal the marriage. Well, I've yet to hear an example of anyone getting over this in a year.

And here I sit, a year later. I thought for sure we'd be one of those couples to be done with this bullshit in a year. No, I don't think that's us. I don't want to take a guess, because I don't want to put down an expectation for myself. I'm sick of expectations. I'm tired of having to live up to some standard that society or I expect of my "progress." Because NOBODY knows what my experience is like. I don't care if you've been cheated on before; no one's experience is exactly the same. The depths and details of the betrayal and what they mean to the hurt partner are different for everyone, and they affect the timeline of the healing.

Yesterday was the 1-year anniversary of D-Day. I planned a road trip weekend with my little sister on purpose, so I wouldn't have to wake up at home yesterday morning. My plan worked brilliantly. I woke up yesterday morning in a cozy hotel bed, after having the longest, most solid sleep I have had in a year. I awoke without even realizing what day it was. It wasn't until several hours later that it even dawned on me that is was September 22. I am so glad we went away, because now next year I can say that on this day a year ago I was having fun with my sister in California, instead of, "oh, today is September 22 again."

Things are good right now. I want to forgive. I want to so badly. But I just know that I'm not done and not ready to say the words. I have grieving yet to do. I can actually feel myself coming down from the high again right now. I hope to not go down as low as the last time, but the highs are just to exhausting for me lately. I can't stay up there long.

I can't believe I'm here. I can honestly look back at the last year and wonder how I made it. I guess I'm stronger than I thought after all. Well, no looking back now. I replaced my wedding ring with a ring with an arrow pointing forward. It is a reminder to keep moving forward, and not look back. I'll try my darndest.

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