Wednesday, January 2, 2013

What Am I Doing?

January 2, 2013

Hello 2013. I welcome you with open arms. Bring it on. There is nothing you can throw at me that I can't handle. I can take it, whatever it is, and will face it dead on like a rockstar. No more sweet, naive me. No more gullible, pushover me. Nope. Not anymore. I won't trust you until you give me a reason to. I won't expect the best in people; I'll expect the worst first and let them surprise me. This is my new perspective after what I've been through. After the one person who I trusted with my LIFE turned out to be a fraud, I'm not trusting anyone but myself and God. Why should I? If my husband was capable of such deceit - the one man I thought was the exception to all men - then anyone is.

I am on a plane with my boys right now to a private island, where we will visit our new home. What am I doing? I can't say that I know. All I know is that I'm taking the chance, because the new me takes risks. What do I have to lose? This move will prove to be either just what we need, or the other way around. Worst case scenario, I get out of Phoenix (where the memories of the two of them are all around me) and find a place on the closest island with my kids. J is working 12-15 hour days anyway, so the boys probably wouldn't even catch on in the beginning.

J is so excited for us to get down there. He sees this beautiful, romantic place as the answer to our problems. How can I be angry with him when I'm surrounded by such beauty? Problem is, that's his perspective because he wants to run as far away as possible from his nightmare. I'd love to have that mechanism, but I'm just bringing the images and anger down with me. He's probably so far removed (in his mind) from the past that it probably never even crosses his mind down there! Not to mention he is working ALL DAY and night that how could he think about it even if he wanted to? He has to be consumed by work, because that's the nature of his job. I, on the other hand, am left with all the cleanup. No more therapy together, no more time for him to reflect and feel the remorse, no more time just sitting together, talking about what happened and why - no matter how many times and in how many different ways I ask.

I just don't know. I'm still all over the place with my emotions. I feel positive and excited for our future together one minute, and the next all I can think about is him going down on her. UGHH!!! Oh My God!!! I can't believe he smelled and tasted another woman!!!!!!!  Who is this man???? And now I'm going to give up my life and home to move down to a deserted island with him??? What the fuck am I doing.

My biggest fear is that the changes in him are not permanent. Sure, right now he seems like a different man. But how will that change now that he's in such an executive role? He went from low self-esteem to the biggest ego boost a man can receive. What will that do to the "new" him? What about 2, 3, 5 years down the road? Will he even remember what he's done to me? Will the sting have worn off to the point where he becomes numb again?

I wonder so many things, like did he have an endearing nickname for her? Even if he just called her "babe" (which I'm sure he did, because he calls his male friends that), that hurts like hell. Did he tell her about his childhood? About his past? About how he and I met? How much did he tell her about me? In what ways did he speak of me? Did he tell her all the things that annoy him about me? Did he complain about me? Did he tell her she was better than me at anything sexual? What fucking porn site did he take a picture from and text to her?

I want to go back to her work and make her feel like shit again. I want to go regularly to remind her of the person she tried to destroy but failed. I want to go wearing my funkiest clothes to show her how confident I am. I want to hold my head high with a smile on my face, showing my integrity and pride, which she no longer has. Who the hell did she think she was coming on to a married man that could be her father??! When she has two young kids of her own at home?? Such selfishness and lack of morality. SO much for that mormon upbringing! Did her a lot of good.

When will this anger dissipate? When will it not sting so much? When will I think of my husband and not go "OH MY GOD! I can't believe he could do this to me!!" Why does he deserve me? He doesn't. God, I wish we didn't have the kids. I love my kids more than anything. But God, I'd rather he had done this to me 8 years ago so my decision could be so much easier. Swear to God, I wouldn't have stayed. His ass would have been on the streets. If we don't make it, I can't even imagine being with another man. If my husband was capable, than there is no man out there who is immune. After all, apparently it doesn't matter how hard you try to be a good, loving wife. It doesn't matter if you stay thin and pretty. It doesn't matter if you blow your husband several times a week for the sheer enjoyment of giving it to him. Nope, I did all those things and was still betrayed. No woman is safe. No woman is immune. I will never feel 100% safe and secure again. I see my marriage so differently now. I no longer hold on to the security I have in my husband, in his arms. Nope, marriage is a just a joint effort of raising a family and partnering through life. I will live for myself before I live for my husband. He doesn't come first anymore - I do. If this ever happened again, I'd be ready for it. I wouldn't be as destroyed as I was this time, because I wouldn't be so dependent on him for my happiness. I'm looking out for myself and my kids from now on.

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