Thursday, January 10, 2013

Numbing of the Heart

We've been visiting on the island for a week now. For the most part, it's been good. I haven't had many anger episodes (except for a HUGE one the first night), and I've been feeling generally like my old self. However, being here does make the affair feel so far away. It feels like it happened ages ago, not just a few months ago. I guess that's what being on a deserted island does to your circumstances.

We go home on Saturday, and I'm feeling mixed about it. On one hand, I can't wait to get home and see my friends again. I can't wait to drive my car and go to a big grocery store and not pay $8.50 for cereal! I look forward to the routine of the kids back in school and me back to work.

On the other hand, I am scared shitless. The last time we were separated, I went into superhuman mode and completely hardened my heart to not feel the pain. I don't know if it was because I needed to be on my A-game for the kids and for work, but I went completely numb. I felt NOTHING for my husband. I was pissed off at him, and felt like I didn't need him. And here I am, feeling myself go numb again. I feel like I'm shutting down or something. It's totally involuntary, and I don't understand it.

Of course, I'm also worried about going back to Ground Zero. Anywhere I turn in my own house is a reminder of the two of them. I can't be at the office without thinking of driving just 2 miles west to her work and freaking her out with my presence. I can't drive the kids to school without thinking of showing up to her husband's store to talk to him and see what's going on between them, and see how he's dealing with things (and of course, whether he's learned any new details). I can't go to the mall without the temptation of driving past her house.

It's been 3 1/2 months since I've known. My therapist keeps saying "it's SOOOO early still!", which totally freaks me out. Seriously, how much longer can I feel like a crazy person without literally going crazy? When will I stop obsessing over the thought of them together? When will I stop HATING her so much that I fantasize about doing the most horrible things to her? I am so done.

I know that it's silly to wish this never happened. I DO wish it never happened, but it's out of my control. My God, how little control I really do have. I've learned so much from this already. I hate to say it, but it's really given me a pessimistic perspective that I've never had before. Maybe that's a good thing, though. Maybe I was too naive, too trustworthy before. I feel this barrier around me now, like my protective bubble that keeps me safe. I know I can only control myself, and so I feel more confident knowing that I'm not going to let others let me down anymore. It feels kinda good. I feel like a badass. I like it. I wonder if my husband will, though, because this woman is definitely not the one he married. Oh well, it's his Frankenstein.

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