Monday, January 21, 2013

Everything Is Changed

I got little sleep last night. I was thinking about my feelings for him, and how different they are now. I love him - I always will - but it's a different kind of love. It's not a fairytale, he's-my-knight-in-shining-armor kind of love anymore. Even after 13 years of marriage, I did see him in that light until this happened. But now that is so far gone.

It's my disappointment in him that has ruined it all. I don't know if I will ever love him the same way again after being lied to for so long, and with such skill. After the half-truth came out (that he was only having an emotional affair), I begged him to tell me if he had had sex with her, or even other things that now seem so innocent. I remember him grabbing my face with his eyes wide open staring directly into mine, saying, "I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER! I NEVER WANTED THAT!" Then there were all the other cover-ups, like "we didn't ever have the opportunity to go that far". HA! What a crock. And to think he would get up before the sun rose to drive 20 minutes out of his way before a bike ride to go bang her. Never had the opportunity, my ass - they did a great job of CREATING the opportunity!

How does one get over that dishonesty? That look-me-square-in-the-eye lying? I know he feels horrible now and is so broken. But wow, how crazy is it that he had the chance to come clean and continued to build lies upon lies upon lies. God, I wish he had come clean himself. It would have changed everything. The mere fact that he was busted and then continued to lie to me until he was busted AGAIN is the most painful aspect of all - more so than the sex. (Well, ok - the sex part kills me.)

When will I feel attracted to him again the way I did before? I just don't see him in the same light. I enjoy sex with him, but I feel like I'm having sex with some other man. It's not my husband, or at least who I thought my husband was. It's the strangest thing. When will I feel that connection again? When will I forget the third party that was once in our bedroom?

And I am SOOOO scared that when all of these distractions die down - getting the house ready for rental, redecorating the new house, settling the kids into a new school, etc. - my head will be less cluttered and then what? Will I feel everything even more?

I HATE HATE HATE him for putting me through this. I am telling you, no marriage is immune! I thought ours was the one that would stand the test of time without infidelity. Wow, what a shock it was, and how it has changed my perspective on life. You just can't count on anybody. You can't depend on others for your happiness. I feel so numb! So cynical, so mad at the world.

Alright, gotta get exercising or something because you KNOW that if I have learned anything in all of this, it's that I need to feel in control of something. And I am learning that I can control how my body looks, that's for damn sure.

Peace out, fellow survivors.

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